These Phrases from A Father Which Rescued Me as a Brand-New Dad

"I think I was merely trying to survive for the first year."

Ex- reality TV cast member Ryan Libbey anticipated to cope with the difficulties of being a father.

Yet the reality rapidly turned out to be "completely different" to what he'd imagined.

Severe health complications surrounding the birth saw his partner Louise admitted to hospital. Abruptly he was pushed into becoming her main carer as well as looking after their infant son Leo.

"I was doing every night time, every change… every stroll. The duty of mother and father," Ryan shared.

After eleven months he reached burnout. It was a talk with his father, on a park bench, that led him to understand he required support.

The simple statement "You're not in a healthy space. You require some help. How can I support you?" created an opening for Ryan to express himself truthfully, look for assistance and find a way back.

His story is far from unique, but seldom highlighted. Although people is now better used to discussing the strain on mums and about postpartum depression, far less attention is paid about the challenges fathers go through.

Seeking help isn't a weakness to ask for help

Ryan thinks his difficulties are part of a broader reluctance to open up between men, who continue to absorb damaging notions of what it means to be a man.

Men, he says, tend to think they must be "the rock that just gets hit and doesn't fall every time."

"It is not a sign of being weak to request help. I was too slow to do that fast enough," he explains.

Therapist Dr Jill Domoney, a specialist specialising in mental health surrounding childbirth, notes men can be reluctant to acknowledge they're struggling.

They can think they are "not the right person to be requesting help" - especially in preference to a new mother and infant - but she stresses their mental health is equally important to the unit.

Ryan's conversation with his dad provided him with the opportunity to request a break - taking a couple of days abroad, away from the domestic setting, to see things clearly.

He realised he had to make a adjustment to consider his and his partner's emotional states alongside the logistical chores of looking after a newborn.

When he was honest with Louise, he realised he'd failed to notice "what she needed" -physical connection and listening to her.

Self-parenting

That insight has changed how Ryan perceives being a dad.

He's now composing Leo regular notes about his feelings as a dad, which he aspires his son will see as he matures.

Ryan thinks these will help his son better understand the language of feelings and understand his decisions as a father.

The concept of "parenting yourself" is something musician Professor Green - also known as Stephen Manderson - has also strongly identified with since having his son Slimane, who is now four.

During his childhood Stephen was without consistent male parenting. Despite having an "incredible" bond with his dad, deep-held trauma resulted in his father struggled to cope and was "present intermittently" of his life, complicating their relationship.

Stephen says repressing emotions led him to make "bad decisions" when younger to change how he felt, turning in substance use as an escape from the hurt.

"You find your way to behaviours that don't help," he explains. "They can temporarily change how you feel, but they will in the end cause more harm."

Tips for Managing as a New Dad

• Open up to someone - if you feel overwhelmed, speak to a trusted person, your partner or a professional about your state of mind. Doing so may to ease the pressure and make you feel less isolated.
• Maintain your passions - keep doing the pursuits that allowed you to feel like the person you were before the baby arrived. Examples include exercising, seeing friends or playing video games.
• Look after the physical stuff - a good diet, getting some exercise and if you can, getting some sleep, all are important in how your emotional health is faring.
• Meet other first-time fathers - hearing about their experiences, the messy ones, as well as the positive moments, can help to put into perspective how you're feeling.
• Remember that requesting help isn't failing - looking after yourself is the most effective way you can support your loved ones.

When his father subsequently died by suicide, Stephen expectedly found it hard to accept the loss, having not spoken to him for many years.

Now being a father himself, Stephen's resolved not to "repeat the pattern" with his boy and instead give the security and emotional guidance he did not receive.

When his son is about to have a outburst, for example, they do "shaking the feelings out" together - expressing the emotions constructively.

Both Ryan and Stephen say they have become more balanced, healthier men due to the fact that they faced their issues, transformed how they talk, and learned to manage themselves for their children.

"I have improved at… dealing with things and managing things," explains Stephen.

"I wrote that in a message to Leo last week," Ryan says. "I wrote, on occasion I think my job is to teach and advise you how to behave, but actually, it's a dialogue. I am discovering as much as you are on this path."